I Want You to Remember (A Letter to Prospective Adoptive Parents)

The letter that follows has been brewing in my brain for some time now.

When I first began penning it, I was writing to prospective adoptive parents. But the more I typed, the more I realized, it is as much a piece of writing for my own use as it is for others.

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Dear Soon-to-be Adoptive Parent,

You're awesome!

Now, I know what you might be thinking, Wait a minute. How can you say that? You don't even know me.

You're right, we've never met. I don't know much about you. I couldn't tell you your favorite ice cream flavor. And I'd probably guess wrong if I was asked where you went to college or what baseball team you root for.

But I know one thing: You want to adopt a child.

And knowing that one fact automatically makes you awesome in my book.

I also know that you've probably jumped through hoop-after-hoop-after-hoop on your adoption journey.

Or if you haven't yet, you most likely will in the future.    

Adoption is beautiful, but also messy.

I know.  My husband and I adopted a baby boy in 2012. (And we're currently walking the adoption road for a second time, hoping to adopt a baby girl soon.)

During the messy times, I want you to remember a few things. (And when I say "you," I mean me, as well.)

1 | I want you to remember your goal: To adopt a baby. When you feel yourself getting discouraged, overwhelmed, anxious, pause, close your eyes, and envision yourself holding your precious little one. I've also found that having visual reminders in my home has been helpful. In my closet, sitting on a shelf at eye level is a pair of black patent leather baby shoes. Each time I see them, I send up a quick prayer, asking God to send a healthy baby girl into our lives. There's also an adorable pink floral dress hanging in the nursery closet. When I pull open the closet door, a smile creeps across my face as I think of dressing my baby girl in it one day.

2 | I want you to remember that sharing your life and your dreams with friends and family and complete strangers takes courage. Some people may criticize your decision. Some may ask questions like, "Why aren't you trying IVF? Why aren't you adopting from the foster care system?  Why aren't you adopting internationally?" Don't feel as if you have to answer those questions. You get to decide what to share and what not to share. In many instances, simply saying, "We feel domestic adoption is the best option for us" works well. 

3 | I want you to remember that telling people about your adoption dreams (as scary as it may seem) is a good thing. It does not mean you are bragging about your life. It does not mean you are perfect. It does not mean that you have to share every. single. detail about your fertility journey or your adoption journey. But people need to know you are wanting to adopt in order for them to share your dream with others.   

4 | I want you to remember to ask for help. Ask for prayers. Ask for positive energy or good thoughts. Ask for advice or suggestions in an adoption support group.  Ask for financial support, if needed.  

5 |  I want you to remember to breathe. For me, just reading the word breathe, causes my body to automatically inhale slowly and exhale slowly. Did it work for you, too?

6 | I want you to remember that adopting a baby privately in the United States is expensive. You may have to cut back on your entertainment expenses, eliminate some travel, take on a second job, eat at home more, or hold a garage sale (or a combination of these), so you can afford to adopt.  Some prospective adoptive parents choose to borrow money from a bank or from family.   

7 | I want you to remember that there will be birth parents who do not choose you. With each situation, the reason(s) will be unique. They may not choose you because you already have a child.  Or because you live too far away.  Or because you and your husband are Caucasian and they want their child to grow up in a mixed race family. Or because they fell in love with a family two profile books ahead of yours in the stack and never even made it to your book. It's tough when you're not chosen, but for me, it just means that we're not the right parents for that particular child.

8 | I want you to remember that the adoption process could take time. You may have to wait and wait and wait. But your time will come.
  
And when your little one arrives, all of the time and effort and money that went into this process will be quickly forgotten. All of the worry, the fear, the anxiety will be replaced with bliss, as you cradle your newborn in your arms.  

All you will focus on is that beautiful child in your arms. All you will focus on is how lucky, how blessed, how happy you are.

That's what I want you to remember.

Our Adoption Book

Photo by Mindy Newton Photography

Prior to designing our adoption website, I created our adoption profile book.

All adoptive families who are hoping to adopt a baby here in the United States create some type of profile book.

As you'll see, for all intents and purposes, it's a brag book. (And if you know me well, you know I don't like to brag.)

However, in order for a birth mother or birth parents to feel comfortable choosing us to raise their child, they have to be able to imagine their child growing up in our family.

To help facilitate that, we have to share about ourselves. Share who we are.  Share where we live.  Share what our son is like.  Share about the contact we have with Noah's birth mother.  Share about our future hopes and dreams for our children and our family. 

The profile book often serves as a birth parents' first impression of an adoptive family.

For that reason, I spent A LOT of time writing the text (and rewriting the text) and choosing the 50+ photos from the thousands of pictures on my computer. 

Top right photo by Mindy Newton | All others taken by me

Just as with our first adoption, we created our profile book using Mixbook.

Once I had my photos selected and the text written, all I had to do was choose a Mixbook theme (or template). Luckily, Mixbook offers over 100 great themes! I was drawn to this one because of its simple design and bright colors.

Because it was originally a recipe book, I had to delete some elements, modify others, and add text boxes and photos. But it was super easy because Mixbook's editor is a dream to use! Seriously, it's awesome! I've created photo books on other websites (namely Shutterfly) and using Mixbook was much easier and much faster.  

Plus, Mixbook gave us a volume discount because we were ordering so many books at one time.

All I had to do was email the volume sales department. (If you'll be ordering 10 or more photo books, you can request a discount by going to the Mixbook home page. Scroll down to the very bottom and under Programs, click "Volumes Discounts." Enter in your information and a Mixbook representative will get back to you in 1-2 days.)

In total, we ordered 17 books; 15 copies for our attorney (who will share them with birth parents) and two copies for us. (I plan to put one copy in our daughter's baby book, so she can look through it when she's older. I did the same thing for Noah, too.)

With the volume discount, we paid just $10.49 per book. Sweet!

Mixbook also supplied us with a free PDF file of our profile book. We forwarded the PDF file to our attorney. In some adoption situations, time is of the essence and it is much faster for birth parents to view the PDF file than to request a copy of your profile and wait for it to arrive in the mail.

Just for the record, I did not receive any compensation or free product for this post. I just really liked working with Mixbook! :-)

All photos taken by Brian & edited by me

I know quite a few of my blog posts lately have been about adoption.  Thank you, readers, for allowing me to share about our adoption journey.

It's definitely a goal of mine to share more about the process this time than I did with our first adoption.  Not only for me, but also for our family and friends and for any prospective adoptive parents who are interested in learning more about domestic adoption.

With that in mind, next week, I'll be describing one more way we're getting the word out about our desire to adopt.

The Language of Adoption

Last week, I wrote a blog post about adoption, in which I shared how we adopted our son, Noah.  

Today, I want to talk about adoption again--more specifically, the language of adoption.  

Becoming familiar with the vernacular specific to adoption is essential for people who are thinking about adopting.  But it is also helpful for family and friends who want to be supportive of those who are adopting a child.   

There are a whole host of positive adoption terms.  Here are the words we use most frequently. 

Birth Mother | As the name implies, the woman who gave birth to Noah is his birth mother.  (Some adoptive families use the term biological mother, but we prefer birth mother.)

I'll be honest: When my husband and I first discussed adoption many years ago, the term birth mother was not part of my vocabulary.  Now, years later, having had lots of practice, they roll effortlessly off my tongue.

Adoptive Mother | I'm Noah's adoptive mother, but in our family, I go by "Mom" or "Mama."

I've heard people use the term, "real mother," to describe either the birth mother or the adoptive mother, which is unfortunate.  Using this language is not only hurtful to one of the moms, but can also be confusing for the adoptive child.  Both of the moms are real; both moms are important; both play a role in the child's life. 

Birth Father | We use the term, birth father, to refer to Noah's biological father.

Adoptive Father | Brian is Noah's adoptive father, but around here, he's known as "Dad" or "Dada."   
Birth parent or birth parents are commonly used terms, too. 

Adopting a Baby | Sometimes, I hear people say "she gave her baby away" or "she put her baby up for adoption."  In our family, we prefer to say, "the baby was placed for adoption" or "the birth mother made an adoption plan."

The words are only slightly different, but much more positive and encouraging. 

Adoption is a beautiful and loving and emotional process--and the words we use when talking about it--are so important.

For more information about positive adoption language, click here. 

The Beauty of Adoption

For several months now, I've felt called to write about adoption here on my blog.

Since November is National Adoption Month, I think it's the perfect time to discuss it.

As many of you know, my husband and I adopted our son, Noah, in 2012.
  
Some of you may not be familiar with our adoption story, so here’s the Reader’s Digest version. 

In May 2010, after five years of struggling with infertility, my husband and I decided to begin the adoption process.  We hired an attorney, completed our home study, and then started spreading the word, telling everyone--through word of mouth, via our website, on Facebook, and here on my blog--that we were interested in adopting a baby.    

In late July 2011, our son’s birth mother found us through our adoption website and contacted our attorney.  That same day, I talked with Noah’s birth mother by phone, and a few weeks later, we met in person.  At that meeting in early August, Brian and I “matched” with Noah’s birth mother, and we were elated!  (“Matching” is where the birth parent(s) and the adoptive parents verbally agree to move forward with the understanding that the adoptive parents will adopt and raise the child.  Legally, though, there is nothing binding at that point—either party can choose to walk away at any point.) 

When we matched, Noah’s birth mother was 18 weeks pregnant.  In the weeks that followed, we stayed in contact, viewed photos from her 4-D ultrasound, and visited her once more in November. We were also busy preparing Noah’s nursery for his arrival.

Then, in early January, we packed our Subaru chock full of baby stuff (bassinet, clothing, diapers, burp cloths—you name it, we had it), and made the 10-hour journey to Las Vegas.

Noah was born January 5, 2012, and just five days later, his birth mother lovingly placed Noah in my arms.

In that moment, she gave me one of the greatest gifts of my life: a son. 

I share our adoption story, not only so you know where I’m coming from, but also to raise awareness that adoption is an option. 

What do I mean by “adoption is an option?” 

Well, I think, for a number of reasons, adoption is still not considered by many women who experience unplanned pregnancies and cannot or do not want to parent a child.  

I think that women often feel as if they have two options: 1) to raise the child on their own (or with support from family) or 2) to have an abortion.

Instead of pondering the why questions, I want to focus on the hows:  

How can we bring this third option, adoption, into the conversation, and into the collective consciousness?  How can we raise awareness that adoption is a positive, courageous, loving and viable option?

Certainly, I don’t have all the answers, but I think a big part of it is telling our stories, and sharing our positive experiences with others.

We need to hear the stories of adoptive families.

We need to hear the stories of birth mothers and birth fathers.

We need to hear the stories of adoptees.

I’m thankful that there are pregnant women here in the United States, who recognize the beauty of adoption, like Noah’s birth mother did. 

It is my hope that, in the future, more and more women will consider, not just two options, but a third as well: adoption.