I Want You to Remember (A Letter to Prospective Adoptive Parents)

The letter that follows has been brewing in my brain for some time now.

When I first began penning it, I was writing to prospective adoptive parents. But the more I typed, the more I realized, it is as much a piece of writing for my own use as it is for others.

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Dear Soon-to-be Adoptive Parent,

You're awesome!

Now, I know what you might be thinking, Wait a minute. How can you say that? You don't even know me.

You're right, we've never met. I don't know much about you. I couldn't tell you your favorite ice cream flavor. And I'd probably guess wrong if I was asked where you went to college or what baseball team you root for.

But I know one thing: You want to adopt a child.

And knowing that one fact automatically makes you awesome in my book.

I also know that you've probably jumped through hoop-after-hoop-after-hoop on your adoption journey.

Or if you haven't yet, you most likely will in the future.    

Adoption is beautiful, but also messy.

I know.  My husband and I adopted a baby boy in 2012. (And we're currently walking the adoption road for a second time, hoping to adopt a baby girl soon.)

During the messy times, I want you to remember a few things. (And when I say "you," I mean me, as well.)

1 | I want you to remember your goal: To adopt a baby. When you feel yourself getting discouraged, overwhelmed, anxious, pause, close your eyes, and envision yourself holding your precious little one. I've also found that having visual reminders in my home has been helpful. In my closet, sitting on a shelf at eye level is a pair of black patent leather baby shoes. Each time I see them, I send up a quick prayer, asking God to send a healthy baby girl into our lives. There's also an adorable pink floral dress hanging in the nursery closet. When I pull open the closet door, a smile creeps across my face as I think of dressing my baby girl in it one day.

2 | I want you to remember that sharing your life and your dreams with friends and family and complete strangers takes courage. Some people may criticize your decision. Some may ask questions like, "Why aren't you trying IVF? Why aren't you adopting from the foster care system?  Why aren't you adopting internationally?" Don't feel as if you have to answer those questions. You get to decide what to share and what not to share. In many instances, simply saying, "We feel domestic adoption is the best option for us" works well. 

3 | I want you to remember that telling people about your adoption dreams (as scary as it may seem) is a good thing. It does not mean you are bragging about your life. It does not mean you are perfect. It does not mean that you have to share every. single. detail about your fertility journey or your adoption journey. But people need to know you are wanting to adopt in order for them to share your dream with others.   

4 | I want you to remember to ask for help. Ask for prayers. Ask for positive energy or good thoughts. Ask for advice or suggestions in an adoption support group.  Ask for financial support, if needed.  

5 |  I want you to remember to breathe. For me, just reading the word breathe, causes my body to automatically inhale slowly and exhale slowly. Did it work for you, too?

6 | I want you to remember that adopting a baby privately in the United States is expensive. You may have to cut back on your entertainment expenses, eliminate some travel, take on a second job, eat at home more, or hold a garage sale (or a combination of these), so you can afford to adopt.  Some prospective adoptive parents choose to borrow money from a bank or from family.   

7 | I want you to remember that there will be birth parents who do not choose you. With each situation, the reason(s) will be unique. They may not choose you because you already have a child.  Or because you live too far away.  Or because you and your husband are Caucasian and they want their child to grow up in a mixed race family. Or because they fell in love with a family two profile books ahead of yours in the stack and never even made it to your book. It's tough when you're not chosen, but for me, it just means that we're not the right parents for that particular child.

8 | I want you to remember that the adoption process could take time. You may have to wait and wait and wait. But your time will come.
  
And when your little one arrives, all of the time and effort and money that went into this process will be quickly forgotten. All of the worry, the fear, the anxiety will be replaced with bliss, as you cradle your newborn in your arms.  

All you will focus on is that beautiful child in your arms. All you will focus on is how lucky, how blessed, how happy you are.

That's what I want you to remember.

For Prospective Adoptive Parents

Noah's Adoption Finalization | September 2012

Since adopting our son, family members, friends, and acquaintances have asked us lots of questions about the adoption process.  Most are simply curious (which is understandable), but a handful of people request information because they have an interest in adopting a child one day.

This post is meant for the latter group--the prospective adoptive parents. 

Before I continue on, though, here's my little disclaimer:  My husband and I adopted an infant here in the United States (in other words, it was a private domestic adoption).  Everything I write here will be based on that experience.  I know very little about adopting through the foster care system.  I know even less about international adoption.  And I am not an attorney, social worker, or adoption expert.   

I'm simply an adoptive mom who is passionate about the beauty of adoption. 

So, with all that said, let's talk about the process.

Chances are, if you're considering adopting, you've done some preliminary research.  But if not, here's where to start:

• Read, Read, Read | There are many good books available about adoption.  I would highly recommend the book, You Can Adopt.  (I checked it out from our local library.)

• Ponder & Share | Take some time to think about your views on adoption.  What are the pros and cons for you?  Then, talk with your significant other.  It's important that both of you are committed to adopting a child before you proceed.  (I prayed a lot, too, which helped me.) 

• Talk to Adoptive Parents | You may think you don't know anyone who has adopted a child, but chances are you do.  Reach out to your colleagues at work, your friends at church, your social circle on Facebook, and share that you're interested in learning more about adoption.  It's likely you'll discover someone who has adopted and is willing to chat with you about their experience.

• Choose an Adoption Path | In other words, are you interested in domestic adoption or international adoption?  Select the one that feels right for you and your family.   

• Hire Experienced Professionals | You'll need to hire an attorney, agency or facilitator (or as was the case for us, a combination of these).  Start by obtaining referrals from family and friends and acquaintances.  Interview potential attorneys/social workers/facilitators by phone or in person.  Inquire about their years of experience and their expertise.  Request a breakdown of their fees.  Ask for a list of references. 

• Start Your Home Study | Once you've retained an attorney or agency, you'll need to work on your home study.  The home study process involves many steps, including fingerprinting, a physical exam with your doctor, a detailed accounting of your finances, writing a short autobiography, choosing a guardian for your future child, sending out reference forms to friends and family, and being interviewed by a social worker.  Try not to focus on the length of the list; just take it step-by-step and eventually, you'll check off everything.

• Create a Book About You/Dear Birth Mother Letter | In most cases, your attorney or agency will request that you create a short booklet or scrapbook about you and your partner (and any children you have).  This booklet will be shown to potential birth parents.  Initially, we put together a 6-page book on MixBook.  Later on, a friend of ours, who is a graphic designer, created additional books for us.  

• Build a Website | I would highly recommend creating a website.  Why?  Because our son's birth mother found us that way!  We used Homestead to create our website, and it was fairly easy.  I've also heard good things about Wix.   

• Link Up | Once you have a website, link it to Adoption Online or another adoption website.  While it costs money to link up, some attorneys will pay the fee to have your website listed.

• Share Your Desire to Adopt With Family & Friends | Send out a mass email.  Post a link to your website on Facebook.  Write a blog post (here's the post I wrote).  Tweet about your wish to adopt a baby.  Hand out pass along cards.   

Initially, I was not open to sharing our desire to adopt with anyone and everyone because I'm a very private person.  But as I thought more about it, I realized that it would only help to let people know about our adoption dreams.  

It is my hope that these suggestions will help you as you proceed on your adoption journey.  
 
If you have any questions about adoption or desire recommendations (keep in mind, I live in Northern California), please email me at: brianandjennieadopt@gmail.com.

I'll be back next Friday with another post on adoption.