Behind-the-Scenes: October & November 2015

You may have noticed, that since mid-October, it’s been VERY quiet here and on my other blog, jennie’s journey.

There are a couple of reasons for that -- the first of which is that my middle sister’s two children came to live with us in late September. 

I quickly learned that when you are caring for three children, ages 3 1/2 (our son), 2 1/2, and 7 months, you don’t have time to shower most days, let alone write blog posts. 

Your days are filled with potty training and formula making, diaper changing and separating (the two toddlers). And of course, lots and lots of playing. 

By late October, just as it felt as if we were settling into our "new" normal, Brian came to me with a proposal: Let’s take all three children to Disneyland in November.

I immediately shot him a “Have you lost your ever loving mind?!” look. 

He smiled, but it was clear to me that he was serious about this idea.

"Oh, I just don't know" was all I could muster initially.

In the days that followed, numerous discussions ensued -- I had lots of concerns about taking three kids under four to Disneyland -- namely, what if we lost a child?!! -- and was definitely more in favor of a beach vacation. But Brian was ever-so-persistent, and in the end, I agreed to his ideal trip:

2 Days of Disney (Th/Fri)

2 Days of Beach Time (Sat/Sun)

And so it was.

I could write a whole post (or two) about our adventures in Disneyland and at the beach, but suffice it to say, we had A LOT of fun and created some sweet memories.

I am ever so grateful to our good friend, Jason -- our beloved "manny" -- for accompanying us to the parks on both days and carrying the youngest in the hiking backpack, so Brian and  I could take the bigs on rides. Jason also captured footage of us with a little Go Pro like video camera, and then surprised us with an awesome video of our time in the parks. Thank you, Jason! (If you know me, you know how much I love documentation!)

I took along my big camera, too, and snapped a few shots.  

Zoey was SO excited to meet Elsa.

 And both Noah and Zoey loved the rides!

I had fun shooting at the beach, too, particularly as the sun set. (We had a blast spending time with our oldest niece who lives in Southern California.)

On Monday, November 23, after two days at Disneyland and two days at the beach, we packed up our car and headed for home. Although we had had a GREAT time in Southern California, I was looking forward to being back at home. Back to our own beds, our own kitchen, our own non-creaky wood floors. Back to our dogs and chickens. Back to our daily lives.

And then, my cell phone rang.
It was our adoption attorney calling.

She said a little girl had been born earlier that morning, and her birth mother was wanting to place her with an adoptive family.

Without a moment of hesitation, I answered YES!! when our attorney asked if we wanted to be presented. 

However, I didn't get my hopes up, knowing we'd likely be one of a dozen or more profiles shown to the birth mother. 

Out of curiosity, though, I did google How long does it take to drive from Santa Clarita to Santa Maria? The answer: 2.5 hours.

After hanging up with our attorney around 11:30 am, we decided to pull off the freeway in Santa Clarita to eat and play and use the restrooms at McDonald's.

Forty-five minutes later, while standing in the play place watching the bigs play, my phone rang. 

It was our attorney delivering the news I'd been waiting TWO years to hear: Jennie -- The birth mother chose you and Brian.  

To be continued...

Photo by Kathleen Galloway Photography

Adoption Update | Winter

As I mentioned back in this June blog post,  I'm making a more concerted effort this time around to document the adoption process--not only for me (I enjoy rereading old posts from time-to-time), but also for people who might be interested in learning about how private domestic adoption works.

Here's what I've done since the last update in September:

 COMPLETED:

• UPGRADED to a paying subscription on Adoptimist. (Adoptimist is no longer offering free profiles.)  

• MAILED out more pass-along cards to friends. (Thanks to those of you who requested them!)

• SHARED with our priest that we're looking to adopt after a fellow parishioner mentioned to me that there was a woman in the church considering adoption. 

• ANSWERED questions from friends and acquaintances and friends-of-friends who are interested in pursuing domestic adoption. (I'm always willing to share what I know with others who are thinking about adoption or want some advice about how to navigate the process. If you have questions, email me at: brianandjennieadopt@gmail.com.)

• PAINTED the nursery walls gray. I can't take any credit--it was all Brian! (Thanks, Babe!)

CURRENTLY: 

• WORKING with a videographer to create a 3-minute video about us and why we want to adopt again. To be honest, I'd much rather be behind the camera than in front of it, but I see the value in a birth mother or birth parents being able to view us on screen and hear us tell our story. (When the video is completed--hopefully in the next few weeks--I'll be sharing it here on my blog as well as on YouTube, Vimeo, and Facebook.) 

• UPDATING our Adoptimist profile weekly with diary entries and new photos.  

•  DECORATING the nursery. I know some of you might be thinking, But wait, you haven't adopted the baby yet. You haven't even matched yet. I totally hear you. My husband thinks I'm a little nuts, too. Smile. But I just know in my heart that it will happen. And right now, decorating the nursery is helping me to prepare for our daughter's arrival--whenever and however that may come. Even though I've never met her, with each purchase I make, with each picture frame I set up, with each outfit I hang up in the closet, she's growing more and more in my heart.

THANK YOU all for your continued support of our dream to adopt a baby girl. Truly!

On days when I'm feeling slightly discouraged, I pull out the pages of supportive and loving Facebook comments you left for me back in early June--when I first announced our desire to adopt again--and I re-read every. single. kind. word. 

Your thoughtful and sweet comments always bring a smile to my face, and remind me how many people are praying for us and supporting us and pulling for us and loving us through this process.

I think Paul Coelho had it right when he wrote: "When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it."

Huge hugs,

A Letter to Noah @ 3

Dear Noah,

Today you turn three, my precious boy.

Like most moms out there, I'm kind of in shock that you're not so little anymore. 

I think...three? Already? You're growing up so fast, baby bear. 

Last Friday, I was at the post office mailing an envelope to your birth mother when it hit me.

The USPS clerk entered your birth mother's address into the system, but for some reason, it didn't recognize it. I was surprised and said, "Wow, really?  I've been sending envelopes to that address for three years."

Turns out, he spelled the street name incorrectly, but when I heard myself utter those three words, for three years, it really sunk in that it's been that long since I laid eyes on you for the first time.  That long since I fed you a bottle for the first time. That long since your birth mother lovingly placed you in my arms.

It's true I became your mama that day, but it wasn't until a year later that you started saying my favorite word in the English language: mama.

And you've said it countless times since. It's music to my ears, I tell you. 

Your birth--and the courageous, loving, and selfless decision your birth mother made to place you with our family--made me a mama.

And man, am I grateful for that.

Oh, how I adore you, Noey.  

Oh, how I cherish you.

Oh, how I love you. 

About a week ago, in anticipation of your birthday, I started jotting down as many things as I could think of that I love about you right now. 

I love that you...

• Love helping with the dishes. We push a dining chair up to the sink and you climb up and stand on it, so you can reach the faucet. Inevitably, tons of water ends up on the floor, but the dishes get very clean and you have so much fun in the process.

• Love the ocean, love the beach, love the sand, love the sunsets.  (I snapped the photo above on a beach in Del Mar.)

• Adore singing. You sing at home, at Music Together classes, in the car--even at Target. (In fact, we were shopping at Target last week and a customer complimented your singing voice. I said, "Thank you," and you just kept right on singing.)

• Have so much energy and enthusiasm and zest for life. 

• Have curly hair. (We got your hair cut a few weeks after the photo above was taken. It was a 25-minute, two-lollipop kind of haircut. It was tough on you, and it was tough on me. Since then, several people have commented, "Oh, you got your hair cut, Noah!"  To which you quickly reply with a frown, "I didn't like it.")   

• Love taking the back roads. When I give you the option, and I try to as often as I can, you always choose the back roads over the freeway. Reminds me of that Rodney Atkins' song, Take a Back Road--a tune your daddy loves.

• Are playing independently more, and for longer periods of time. Right now, you play with your Jake pirate ship, your trains, and your fire truck most often.

• Ask me to "Talk Mickey?" which in Noah-speak means "Would you please talk for Mickey?"

• Ask me for a granola bar by saying, "Can I please have a handlebar?"

• Are obsessed with the Disney show, Jake and the Neverland Pirates. The other day, you were playing in the family room when I said, "Okay Noah, in 5 minutes, I'm going to get you dressed and then we're going to get in the car and go see Nonni and Pop." You looked up at me and said, "Aye, aye, Captain Mommy!"

• Love persimmons.  See, we have a persimmon tree in our  yard, but neither Daddy nor I particularly like the taste of them.  So, for years, we've been giving them away to friends. But not anymore. As long as we remove the skin, you will eat and eat and eat some more.

• Think of Zoey, even though she no longer lives with us. When we're in a restaurant, you'll say, "We need to get a highchair for Zoey" or when we're in the car, you'll ask, "Can we pick up Zoey and go to the park?"

• Came out of your room last week wearing your orange Home Depot apron, your safety goggles, and your fire helmet, and you said, "I have to go to work, Mommy!" I asked, "Where do you work?" and you replied, "Grass Valley." 

• Carry your chainsaw up on your shoulder--just like the loggers do. (Last week, there was a crew of 10 loggers working up the street from us and you were fascinated by their chainsaws and ropes and chaps and helmets.)

• Love animals. We were driving in the car one morning, on a windy country road, just you and me. The temperature outside was about 30 degrees.  I saw two horses in a pasture off to the right and I said, "Gosh, those horses must be cold." Your reply? "They need a sweatshirt, Mommy."

• Placed my iPhone, Pandora music playing from the speaker, under Lucy's head so she could listen to some instrumental music. You turned to me and said, "It makes her happy, Mama." Oh, be still my heart, sweet boy.  

You, dear Noah, make me happy. 

I can't wait to watch you grow and learn and play this coming year.

Love,

Mama

I Want You to Remember (A Letter to Prospective Adoptive Parents)

The letter that follows has been brewing in my brain for some time now.

When I first began penning it, I was writing to prospective adoptive parents. But the more I typed, the more I realized, it is as much a piece of writing for my own use as it is for others.

__________________________________________________

Dear Soon-to-be Adoptive Parent,

You're awesome!

Now, I know what you might be thinking, Wait a minute. How can you say that? You don't even know me.

You're right, we've never met. I don't know much about you. I couldn't tell you your favorite ice cream flavor. And I'd probably guess wrong if I was asked where you went to college or what baseball team you root for.

But I know one thing: You want to adopt a child.

And knowing that one fact automatically makes you awesome in my book.

I also know that you've probably jumped through hoop-after-hoop-after-hoop on your adoption journey.

Or if you haven't yet, you most likely will in the future.    

Adoption is beautiful, but also messy.

I know.  My husband and I adopted a baby boy in 2012. (And we're currently walking the adoption road for a second time, hoping to adopt a baby girl soon.)

During the messy times, I want you to remember a few things. (And when I say "you," I mean me, as well.)

1 | I want you to remember your goal: To adopt a baby. When you feel yourself getting discouraged, overwhelmed, anxious, pause, close your eyes, and envision yourself holding your precious little one. I've also found that having visual reminders in my home has been helpful. In my closet, sitting on a shelf at eye level is a pair of black patent leather baby shoes. Each time I see them, I send up a quick prayer, asking God to send a healthy baby girl into our lives. There's also an adorable pink floral dress hanging in the nursery closet. When I pull open the closet door, a smile creeps across my face as I think of dressing my baby girl in it one day.

2 | I want you to remember that sharing your life and your dreams with friends and family and complete strangers takes courage. Some people may criticize your decision. Some may ask questions like, "Why aren't you trying IVF? Why aren't you adopting from the foster care system?  Why aren't you adopting internationally?" Don't feel as if you have to answer those questions. You get to decide what to share and what not to share. In many instances, simply saying, "We feel domestic adoption is the best option for us" works well. 

3 | I want you to remember that telling people about your adoption dreams (as scary as it may seem) is a good thing. It does not mean you are bragging about your life. It does not mean you are perfect. It does not mean that you have to share every. single. detail about your fertility journey or your adoption journey. But people need to know you are wanting to adopt in order for them to share your dream with others.   

4 | I want you to remember to ask for help. Ask for prayers. Ask for positive energy or good thoughts. Ask for advice or suggestions in an adoption support group.  Ask for financial support, if needed.  

5 |  I want you to remember to breathe. For me, just reading the word breathe, causes my body to automatically inhale slowly and exhale slowly. Did it work for you, too?

6 | I want you to remember that adopting a baby privately in the United States is expensive. You may have to cut back on your entertainment expenses, eliminate some travel, take on a second job, eat at home more, or hold a garage sale (or a combination of these), so you can afford to adopt.  Some prospective adoptive parents choose to borrow money from a bank or from family.   

7 | I want you to remember that there will be birth parents who do not choose you. With each situation, the reason(s) will be unique. They may not choose you because you already have a child.  Or because you live too far away.  Or because you and your husband are Caucasian and they want their child to grow up in a mixed race family. Or because they fell in love with a family two profile books ahead of yours in the stack and never even made it to your book. It's tough when you're not chosen, but for me, it just means that we're not the right parents for that particular child.

8 | I want you to remember that the adoption process could take time. You may have to wait and wait and wait. But your time will come.
  
And when your little one arrives, all of the time and effort and money that went into this process will be quickly forgotten. All of the worry, the fear, the anxiety will be replaced with bliss, as you cradle your newborn in your arms.  

All you will focus on is that beautiful child in your arms. All you will focus on is how lucky, how blessed, how happy you are.

That's what I want you to remember.

Phone Calls From Our Adoption Attorney

Last week, I shared an adoption update, complete with what I've accomplished and what I still want to do.

But that's only part of the story.

Over the past few months, we've received a number of phone calls from our adoption attorney relaying information about potential birth parents. Initially, this took us by surprise because with our first adoption, there wasn't much activity at the beginning of the process.

While it's been exciting to hear from Jan on a regular basis, it's also been somewhat stressful. 

Here's how the first two calls played out:

1 | I got a frantic phone call from our attorney while I was sitting in the hairdresser's chair getting my hair highlighted. (Awesome timing, right?) A baby girl had been born in Las Vegas and her birth mother had decided to place her for adoption. The birth mother, who is in her 30s, already had a child and knew she couldn't support a second one.

I was surprised. But excited. I kept thinking, Oh my gosh, the baby's here! On this earth. Right now. My heart started pounding. I had a huge smile on my face, but I felt anxious, too.   

Of course, I wanted to say "Yes, yes, heck yes!"

Yes, we want a healthy baby girl. Yes, we know how to get around Las Vegas (that's where Noah was born). Yes, it's fairly close to us--just the next state over--which means we'd have the option to drive, not fly. Yes, because it's highly unlikely the birth mother would change her mind.  (Every adoptive parents' worst fear.)

But we couldn't say yes. See, our profile books had been ordered, but they hadn't arrived yet. We tried desperately to get a PDF file of our book to the adoption agency in Las Vegas before they presented them to the birth mother, but we simply ran out of time.

As disappointing as it was, I knew it wasn't meant to be. She wasn't the one for our family. (I trust that God placed her with a wonderful adoptive family. And that she will have a beautiful life. Truly.)

And getting that call from Jan--as emotionally jarring as it was--spurred me to finally finish our adoption website and order pass along cards.

2 | Two weeks later, Jan contacted us again. This time, there was a birth mother in Indiana expecting twins.

Yes, TWINS! A boy and a girl.  And "oh by the way," Jan says, "She's 35 weeks pregnant and could go into labor at any time."

Whoa! Anytime?! I thought. 

Of course, I was excited. But then the panic set in. What if we were presented and she actually chose us? I couldn't wrap my head around how that was going to work. How was I going to care for three children under the age of three (two of them infants) ALL. BY. MYSELF? For 3+ days at a time?

I remember thinking, BREATHE, Jen, and my body did just that.

Then, I talked to Brian. I thought for sure he'd say, I don't think we're ready to care for two babies. But he was on board. I hadn't anticipated that he would be enthusiastic about it; he still surprises me after all these years!

So, despite my anxiety, I agreed to take a leap of faith. To say, Yes, we'd like to be presented. I trusted that if the birth mother selected us, we would find a way to make it work. I trusted that God wouldn't have presented this opportunity to us if he didn't think we could handle it.  I trusted that it would play out as it should.

Brian scrambled to get a PDF file of our book. (Now that we actually had our profile books, the agency wanted a PDF file, with certain specific requirements. Go figure!)

At the advice of our attorney, I typed up a personal letter to the birth mother, which included our connections to Indiana (primarily Brian's fondness for Notre Dame and our trips to see the football team play) and our level of openness (the type of contact we'd like to have with the birth parents).

Just keeping it real: Noah may have watched two episodes of Jake and the Neverland Pirates that day...as I frantically typed away at the computer.

We emailed the PDF file and letter to our attorney, but then didn't hear anything for weeks.

I figured that the birth mother must have chosen a different family, but I was curious, so I called Jan.  She informed me that the birth mother decided to parent. As Jan said, "She took the babies and the [profile] books home with her."

A part of me was disappointed. But truthfully, another part of me was relieved.
 
Since then, we've been presented to two other birth mothers, but we haven't been chosen.

Some of you might be wondering, "Don't you get discouraged when you're not chosen?" And the honest answer is yes, a little.

But I know they might not have chosen us because we live too far away or because we already have a son. Or because we have dogs and they don't want their child growing up with dogs. Or maybe because Brian is a Notre Dame fan and they're a die-hard Michigan fan! Just kidding...

In all seriousness, it could be anything...so I'm not sweating it.

I remain very hopeful. I know that when the time is right--God's time--it will happen, and a little baby girl will join our family forever.